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On the road to what you want
you will face everything that you hate.
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24th-Jul-2011 08:15 pm - Memento mori
Hello old friends.

There is too much to possibly say for all that has happened to me these past 3 months since I last posted on here.
Most of it has been crap... but there is good too.

For now, I'll just leave you with this:

I want to see this SO badly
So much has happened since I last posted on here.

I finally started my third year of school and the beginning of my clinical rotations.

Right now I am on the food animal block,
and the past seven days have been so jam-packed,
and exciting
and terrifying
that I don't think I could ever properly do it justice.

I feel like I have learned more in this past week than I did in my entire 1st two years of Vet School.

For one thing I have my own case right now--
His name is Domino and he's a 6-week old Nubian goat that I have to bottle-feed three times a day.
He's got a neurological disease that's known as Dandy Walker's Syndrome in humans, and I have to do physical therapy with him every day.
He's such a little brat and I love him to death.

Some other things I have done so far:

-- Bandaged and treated a laceration on a HUGE cow
-- Performed a Distal Paravertebral Block
-- Inserted jugular catheters and palpated repro tracts
-- Trimmed a steer's hoofs and diagnosed osteomyelitis using radiographs
-- Dehorned a baby goat (Domino of course) using electrocautery and I vaccinated him (he hated that XD)
-- Had to collect rumenal fluid  three times off a donor cow named Bevo in order to transfaunate two calves that presented with chronic diarrhea and anorexia
-- Had to chase down and catch Bevo after he escaped his pen (trying wrangling a 1500 lb steer who refuses to listen...no fun)
-- Diagnosed the pregnancy status of a dog using ultrasound
-- Assessed the health standing of a 500 heifer unit at the dairy and discussed the aesthetics of what makes a good milking production
-- Viewed the milking parlor and learned how they collect and pasteurize it all for us humans to drink ( you don't know science fiction till you see all those metal tubes and bars going every which way)
-- Using a balling gun to give pills
--  Delivered a baby lamb from a sheep in dystocia
-- Milked that same ewe and tube fed her milk to the baby (for the colostrum) and dipped the navel
-- Nerve blocked, dehorned, vaccinated and castrated over 40 head of cattle in one day
-- Delivered a 100 pound calf who was stuck in his mother's womb and then tube fed him AND his brother that was born only hours before
-- Had lectures on all kinds of topics, from nutrition to diseases and disorders we will face as veterinarians in the livestock industry

Not to mention all the basics of catching, chuting, haltering, feeding, treating and TPRing (temp, pulse, resp rate) all the other animals which stay in the clinic every day.

And that's just one week people.

I'm almost always exhausted,
and most times I'm either covered in blood
or poop
or God knows what else...

but dear Lord I LOVE it.

I feel like I have a purpose again
like I'm working towards a goal that means something.

And that in itself is an amazing thing.

On a more negative tone, I am extremely worried about my best friend.
She is going through an extremely difficult time right now
and not much that I ( nor anyone else) could say will help her,
and that makes me terribly, terribly sad.

But I talked to her today and she seems like she is doing better,
so my heart prays that it will stay this way...

Until the next downfall and for all the times after,
and for all the things in-between--
My dearest friend, I will always be here for you.


Hope you all are doing well and moving forward in your lives.
I miss everyone on here,
Hopefully I will get to talk to you all again soon.

Seeing the way things are going, it could be awhile though.

Until then,
keep me in your thoughts
Cause I will be keeping you all with me,

Much love everyone.
See you on the flip-side *waves*

The Stone

There is a core of suffering that the mind
Can never penetrate or even find;
A stone that clogs the stream of my delight,
Hidden beneath the surface out of sight,
Below the flow of words it lies concealed.
It blocks my passage and it will not yield
To hammer blows of will, and still resists
The surgeon's scalpel of analysis.
Too hard for tears and too opaque for light,
Bright shafts of prayer splinter against its might.
Beauty cannot disguise nor music melt
A pain undiagnosable but felt.

No sleep dissolves that stony stalagmite
Mounting within the unconscious caves of night.

No solvent left but love. Whose love? My own?
And is one asked to love the harsh unknown?
I am no Francis who could kiss the lip
Of alien leper. Caught within the grip
Of world un-faith, I cannot even pray,
And must I love? Is there no other way?

Suffering without name or tongue or face,
Blindly I crush you in my dark embrace!

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Sorry guys for you know... well everything.
For all the whining and the down-drudgery lately.
I know you all get tired of hearing it,
I just... well I usually only use this thing when I need to get some frustration or fear out,
and that unfortunately makes me sound like some depressed lunatic all the time.

But I'm really a nice person, I swear!
oh, nevermind... I'll just go back to studying now.

See you later everyone *waves*
I love you all,
I'm so damn tired of putting in all this effort and none of it EVER panning out.

I try SO hard, and yet you would never know it looking at my grades.

I mean, I take my medication,
I study and discuss in groups,
I make sheets and note cards for everything,
I tape record and I come to every class and listen.
What the hell else can I do?

I'm so tired of failing all the time and then having to hear people around me bitch and moan because they got a damn C or even a flipping 88.
Shut the hell up.
You probably only studied HALF the time I did and yet you always make higher than me.

I fucking hate you and I hope you know it.
17th-Feb-2011 05:09 pm - In the garden my soul is sunshine.
I've said this before and I'll say it again:

I am a child of the light.

Really, it's one of the few, if ONLY things that I can do these days to improve my mood.
That is, laying in the sun.

Everything that has happened these past two weeks has put my stomach into knots and made me sick.
So when I came home today, I went and sat down on the steps to my deck in the backyard.

I was sitting there, watching the trees sway back and forth, and I could feel the sadness churning on the inside of me-- a sadness that, honestly, I've had my entire life. It's a strange undertone that resides at the base of my spine. An hidden yearning and sorrow for something I can never truly understand.

As I felt that sadness working its way up my spine I did the only thing I knew to do: I lay backwards onto the worn wood and stretched my whole body out to face the sunshine.

The planks felt good against my aching back-- not as awesome as grass would have been, mind you, but still I'll take what I can get. I crossed my hands over my chest, closed my eyes and just let the rays pour into my face and skin. I could hear cars and children laughing in the distance, but I tried to tune them out. I lied to myself and pretended I was back in Bartlett (my hometown), lying on the little wooden bridge that Megan and I found long ago- our old secret meeting place. I told myself that when I opened my eyes, I would be back near that familiar field, and that when I stood up to walk back, that my feet would be taking me home.

I lay there like that for awhile, just being, until finally the last rays of sunlight crested over the hill. Only then did I finally open my eyes back into the reality of this life. But when I sat up I felt different. So very tired, like I could go inside and sleep for a 100 years, but more at peace with myself than I had been in VERY long time.

Everything felt secure.. fine. Like despite all the hardships and sadness that I was gonna be alright. That I was a child of this universe just like everyone else, and that I belonged with the world instead of being apart from it. Everything felt connected again... and for a brief moment I felt like me. Whole. As if there had never been any wounds in the first place...

I am a child of the light.

I know this is a drastic change from the demeanor of my last entry, but that was before my family left me alone....and tests and a very intense and long surgery crept up to swallow me.

I am so overwhelmed.
I feel like I'm gross and dirty all the time, and I can never sleep, EVER.
and  so when I do FINALLY manage to shut my eyes I'm so exhausted that I can never wake up,
so I find myself late and rushing and unprepared for everything.

I slept through 4 fucking alarms today. FOUR. I've started sleep-walking I guess because I managed to put my damn phone on silent, and that's hard to do even while awake.

What is happening to me???

I can't quit crying right now. I'm so panicked it's hard to breathe, and I keep gagging and throwing up what meager food remains in my stomach.

I'm sick of feeling like this: of being tired, and disgusting and ugly and useless to everything. I'm never prepared and always  late. I'm going to end up failing all over again if I keep this up.

I'm gonna beg Dr. Linford to let me come to lab early today so I can go home before I completely collapse into a full fledged freak-out.

I don't wanna mess up again, but it seems no matter what I do I'm always making mistakes.

God...what am I gonna do?
7th-Feb-2011 12:54 pm - I'm on a boat! Wheeee!
Ugh I am so behind on the meme thing (procrastination ho!)

This past weekend was my birthday, and It was actually quite wonderful--
full of cake balls, and cupcakes and REAL cake and silliness and fun times! lol.
And my desk is dressed up all crazy right now with streamers and confetti and balloons and shit! whoo!

Haha I just love all you guys.
That's all I really wanted to say.
I will update more later on when I don't have surgeries or test looming over my head @.@
2nd-Feb-2011 12:40 am - Meme: Day 2

Instead of doing the obvious (which would be like my friends and family which are my life source of course), I'm gonna do 9 things I rather like.

How bout that?


I dunno... I just don't really feel truly happy or at peace unless I'm in it.Just a few small rays can make a phenomenal impact on how my thoughts or actions will play out. It's kinda crazy actually...

2. Fairy tales

I love the whole atmosphere around a good ancient story. And I just can''t get enough of fairytales honestly. They are always kicking around in my head... like dreams I can never remember. I'm currently on a big Red Riding Hood kick right now (go figure lol).

3. Dressies!

Pssh you can completely blame Megan Snider for this obsession *points finger*. Before her, I was just a mousy girl in baggy pants and t-shirts, my hair always pulled back into a tight, neat ponytail. But after she came along well.. it was all over for me. Now all I wanna do is let my wild hair go free and put on those cool fabrics, running barefoot into open fields with my friend. Almost every time we go out shopping now, we both inevitably buy a dress *facepalm*. I just can't get enough. Hey, well at least I haven't got up to 30 yet like someone I know, right Megan? XD

4. Warm Baths

Who doesn't love to soak in a hot bath after a hard day? For me, baths have been this weird fascination of mine since I was a child, when I would witness my mother's naked frame all relaxed and carefree in the tub. She was always so beautiful to me then, all curves and quietness about her. Now as I'm older I find myself drawn to a bath when I feel coldness around my thoughts and my heart. I love to just sit there, till my hands and fingers are all pruny and aged-looking. I like to pretend I'm a woman grown so old, that this form I've suddenly taken is my true self, and the dirt and grime that swirls down the drain are just disguises that I wear each day to hide my ancientness.

5. Poetry

Anyone who knows me can understand why this is a no-brainer. Poetry lives in my veins as much as my red cells do. It is such a vital part of my waking life that I couldn't comprehend a world without it. I could sit here all day and tell you about all the grand and wondrous things that poetry has done for me, but I'm afraid that would fill up more volumes than anyone would want to comprehend...

6. The bond between humans and animals

It would be redundant to explain how much I love animals because it's obvious by my career choice that I adore all creatures in this life. But something that has always captivated and inspired me is the raw, unbridled connection that can grow between a person and their companion. It's too beautiful and complex to ever be able to truly describe in words, but its a fierce love and passion which fuels my very soul just to see. I will always strive to protect those creatures that need me, and work to bridge the gaps that divide us.

7. The woods

"There is a thing in me that dreamed of trees,
A quiet house, some green and modest acres
A little way from every troubling town,
A little way from factories, schools, laments.
I would have time, I thought, and time to spare,
With only streams and birds for company,
To build out of my life a few wild stanzas.
And then it came to me, that so was death,
A little way away from everywhere.

There is a thing in me still dreams of trees.
But let it go. Homesick for moderation,
Half the world's artists shrink or fall away.
If any find solution, let him tell it.
Meanwhile I bend my heart toward lamentation
Where, as the times implore our true involvement,
The blades of every crisis point the way.

I would it were not so, but so it is.
Who ever made music of a mild day?"

8. Falling Snow

"Out of the bosom of the Air,
Out of the cloud-folds of her garments shaken,
Over the woodlands brown and bare,
Over the harvest-fields forsaken,
Silent, and soft, and slow
Descends the snow.

Even as our cloudy fancies take
Suddenly shape in some divine expression,
Even as the troubled heart doth make
In the white countenance confession,
The troubled sky reveals
The grief it feels.

This is the poem of the air,
Slowly in silent syllables recorded;
This is the secret of despair,
Long in its cloudy bosom hoarded,
Now whispered and revealed
To wood and field."

9. The feel of cotton sheets against bare skin

It's a sensory experience unlike any other. It one of my favorite things in the world to do-- to lay there, naked, under a thin cool sheet and just be... be whatever I am. I feel safe....free. I feel like I am as much a part of something in this life as it is a part of me. It's a transcendent and contemplative moment for me, lying there in the soft stillness.. I don't really know how to do the feeling justice... but trust me and try it one day. It's only then that you'll understand  what I'm really talking about..

6th-Jan-2011 11:19 pm(no subject)


We're all extensions
          of someone or another's
                     golden light.

In the moment
          I was made
                     stars filled the sky

& some parts
          of the bodies
                     making me

were fleetingly
                     briefly luminous.

Druids see light
          in wood
                     and worship trees.

When we wave
          in recognition,
                     we disperse light,

set light in motion
                     the beloved.

We string our trees
          with lights
                     in wintertime.

We want
          to see ourselves
                     in the dark.

8th-Dec-2010 07:40 pm - This Is the time we're upon.

So today during the thick of my finals, I get a text from a friend that says "SAMS grades are up".

For those you who don't remember, SAMS aka "Small Animal Medicine and Surgery" was the class that caused me to fail out of vet school last winter. The reason why I had to appeal to get back in.

This year, despite my intense efforts to not let this class get the better of me, I still found myself struggling with all the test material.

It seemed no matter what I did or how hard I studied, each test I would still make about the same score that I had last year. It was obvious that I was shadowing my previous steps and I feared another failure on the horizon.

So when the FINAL approached- 200 points and 100 questions worth of pure terror- it’s no surprise that I was more than a little bit afraid of it.

But I was determined to do better this time around.

I’ve spent the past two months preparing for this test every chance I could get. I spent more than 3 days near the end holed up in my apartment poring over every detail of cardiology and respiratory disorders, as well as revisiting all the old material from the previous tests (the final is sadly, always cumulative @.@)

When this past Monday (test day) rolled around, I walked in there feeling more confident and sure than I ever had before. I felt sure that I could make what I needed to pass the course.

However, after I left the test I was crying.

It was like it didn’t even matter that I had studied. Everything that I could remember wasn’t even on there, and what was I kept getting twisted all around. I knew in my heart that there was NO way I had passed that test.

I left with shallow breaths and a tightened chest. It was such a terrible and despairing feeling.

For these past two days I have been agonizing over that grade, waiting for the inevitable blow to come. Finally today, I was going to get my answer.

So back to the first moment. She sends me this text message, and immediately a heat shoots up my spine. I start getting nauseated and my heart starts pounding in my chest. I get a metallic taste in my mouth, much like I do when I pass out, so I run to the bathroom and start gagging in the toilet. Just the sheer thought of having to look at my grade has sent me into this panic attack. I’m staring at my reflection in the mirror, trying not to cry and throw up at the same time, but I just can’t stop shaking.

I’ve never felt like that before—that complete loss of reason and control. It was terrifying. I kept mumbling to myself over and over “I can’t do this… can’t take this… but I have to…HAVE to do it”. I probably looked like a crazy person.

FINALLY (God it seemed so long) I forced myself to stand up and look at my computer screen. I waited those long agonizing moments as the screen downloaded to show me my score.

I had passed.

And I was like a wave crashed down on me all at once. I started sobbing like a small child. I just couldn’t quit crying. It was like everything I had been holding in from this past year came surging out. All the fear, and shame, and self-loathing... it just rushed out of me.

I sat there on my couch, keening, not knowing if it was from relief or sorrow or happiness. Such a strange feeling.

But I passed that pivotal course. And now I only have two more to go. So… back to studying!! *facepalm* it never ends lol.

But yeah… Just thought I’d share with you all.

Good night everyone. Hope you too are finding good news about you.

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