I always get in my own way. Let my fear get the better of me. I get so caught up in the huge overwhelming picture that I can’t sit down and focus on what’s important. What matters.
I snowball. I’m like the rabbit frozen in place as the dog launches to shred me to pieces. Like a deer in the headlights. The dead remains. I don’t know how to move. How to master my fear.
So I distract myself. Do EVERYTHING else in the world except what needs to be done. Waste time on organizing and color-coordinating; perpetuating a self-destructive cycle of stacking and filing and shuffling and moving things around. I waste hours of time on things that make me look like I’m accomplishing something—give the illusion of careful strategy and intelligence—when really all I’ve managed to do is absolutely NOTHING at all.
I’ve always known this about myself. Inherently. Oh I never really let it come up to the surface, mind you. I’m such a clever little liar that I manage to even fool myself most days. I lie to myself and say “You are doing the best you can,” and it’s such a sham. I can always somehow make those around me believe… believe that I know what I’m doing. That I’m smart and determined and confident. That I’ve got it all figured out. That I’m giving my all. They believe with 100% certainty that everything will turn out fine in the end because I’m such a good, clever girl.
What they don’t know about is the numbness. The constant guilt and shame. The endless sorrow. And most terrifying of all… the indifference. The complete lack of remorse for the things I’ve done. All of it licking and slashing on the inside of me in a constant wave. No… they never see that. Remember, I’m a liar after all. A very good actress who plays her role of the poor mistreated little dreamer. The end result of the unfairness in life.
Oh yes, I’m very clever. Such a hypocrite and a cheat. A thief and a fraud. I think somewhere deep down inside I’ve always known this. I just buried it so far inside. Shoved all the dark and the evil so far in that even I couldn’t recognize it anymore as what it really was.
As long as no one picks up on what is really going on, I’m fine with the this illusion of goodness. I play my part so well that even I believe its sincerity.
But those rare days when someone picks up on my game, I become reclusive and defensive. I become angry and uncooperative with them, as I try desperately to defend my own lie. “You just don’t understand, I argue fiercely ‘You CAN’T understand how it is for me because you don’t know how it is.” I close off and pretend to be wounded at their accusation, and usually it works. I coddle them back into ignorance and they apologize to me for their assumptions and encourage me all the more to succeed.
And that is my greatest evil of all.
People like to think that each human is born inherently good. That it is society and life and the choices we make that ultimately push us towards the dark things. I myself was probably the most firm believer in this principle. I so passionately believed in the goodness of humanity and if anyone ever came up to me proclaiming that a horrific act they committed was because of their inherent evil nature, I would be the first to step up and call ‘bullshit’ saying that anybody could change their fate and their path in life if they just worked towards it.
In many ways I still feel some belief towards this philosophy, but lately, at the same time, I’ve started to think differently.
What if, despite all our efforts at goodwill and faith and love and sacrifice, that some humans are just evil by nature? That not every human being is born innocent and good, but that instead some are born with such darkness in their hearts that no matter what they do they will never be able to escape it? That despite all their struggles and inner turmoil and best efforts that they will never be able to remove that dark stain on their soul? That they must always forever be tempted towards bad thoughts and make regrets by it. Sure they could smother and hide it for awhile, even do some good things in their own time, but always, in the end, the shadows would return until finally they would succumb to their inherent nature. They would one day have to confront and live with their evil.
What if that’s the real truth?? And if so… what if I am one of them?
What am I supposed to do with that?
Right now I DO feel wicked. Feel it in my bones so deeply. And the shame and guilt that comes with this realization is so strong it threatens to eat me alive.
I’m sorry, sorry… so very sorry. I’m sorry everyone for what I am.
So back to my first insight- that I become immobilized by my fear. You know that saying “You can’t see the forest for the trees?” Well for me it’s always been backwards. I get so lost inside the massive, overwhelming forest that I can’t possibly focus on the trees. I can’t see the patterns in the bark, the shape of the moss as it grows up the sides. I don’t see the markers that are trying to guide me to the way out. I can’t possibly see them, because my head is thrown back staring transfixed at the endless canopy of leaves. My neck has gone stiff from looking up so long. I don’t notice that my feet are scratched up and bleeding from tripping over all the roots, and I never become aware of the fact that I’ve been walking in a dirt circle all this time. It’s treaded and worn down from all the steps I’ve taken for so many long years now, and it heads nowhere but around and around and around forever…
My question is this: How Do I ever get out of it? Can I get out? How can I possibly stop this fear? I feel that medication may help, but time and money are not on my side. I don’t know what to do… if I can’t find a way to fix this and soon, I’m going to make a regret that I will never forgive for the rest of my life.
Please, anyone… what must I do?
Ok, I know I sound like a such a little girl for saying this,
but this makes me sadder than you can possibly imagine:
So no more Disney Princesses?... *wibbles*
I mean, yeah Disney, I know you gotta cater to a variety of audiences (namely boys)
but to completely throw out what made you great?!?!
*sighs sadly* It's just not right.
What about all those girls down the road?
They need their own Belles and Mulans and Ariels just like we did... like I so desperately did when I was little.
Their stories and trials and dreams and hopes are what fed my imagination as a child.
Without them... life just doesn't seem to hold as much possibility and wonder anymore.
It like you're trying to rip away my memories, Disney, and I am angry with you for it.
And I know boys like those movies dernit! They are just too chicken-shit to say it.
I fear for those children (boy and girl alike) in the next generation, if like that critic said "All kids care about these days is what makes them hot or cool."
*Shakes head* What is happening out there in the trenches of the youth?
Aaanyways, you better believe I plan to go see Tangled (by myself if need be) the day it opens.
I've been excited about that movie for awhile, and the fact that it may be the last Princess I ever see, well...
thats just makes it all the more important and bittersweet to me.
You can not say that that is TOO funny. XD XD XD
Harry Potter. One word.
It's a full moon out tonight, and I feel like howling.
Speaking of howling, LOOK AT THIS.
I saw it in the previews tonight before HP:
Could be sucky because it's already being compared to Twilight, what with the same director and style and all.
But... it could be badass too.
Seeing as it's one of my favorite fairytales, I'm definetely going to look into it.
I've 3 hours till class -_-,
Kill me x.x
the fandom and fun times of a midnight showing was totally worth it in the end. :)
Look at this shit:http://shine.yahoo.com/event/momentsofmotherhood/how-old-is-too-old-for-trick-or-treating-2403664/
I mean, really, a ban on trick o treating?
That's just a little bit ridiculous if you ask me.
What's so wrong with an older kid going out with their siblings and having some fun?
And what about those poor 13 year olds that fall just shy of the ban?
Do they just have to sit home while all their buddies get to go out and eat candy?
I mean, hell, when I was 12-13 I was dressed up like Dorthey from the wizard of Oz.
I went around the neighborhood with my next door neighbors little girl and I carried my actual yorkie in a basket with me. (Pooh hated being Toto lol)
I was not only helping my neighbor out, but I was also getting in on the fun of a trick o treater on my favorite holiday of the year.
And yes, there were people who slammed the door in my face, but I wasn't doing any harm so what's the big deal?
As long as thse kids arent vandalizing anything why is it such a crime to want to be as a child and go have fun the traditional halloween way?
What, society, you want us to "grow up" even faster so we can become a dull lifeless nook in the crank of life?
Well , call me stupid or whatever, but I refuse to give up my childlike demeanor.
I'm all for older kids dressing up and going out on Halloween.
If the government has a problem with that they can just shove it for all I care.
I mean for Christ's sake just close the door if it bothers you that much.
We wont mind the slight, we ghouls will just go on our merry way :)
So I adopted my surgery dog.
*sigh* I just couldn't let her go to the shelter. I'd never be positive if she would get adopted or euthanized.
So yeah.. here she is:
I've named her Lena for now. It means "Bright one"
But my "plan" is to just foster her for a week until she can find a home.
Yet see how 'Plan" is already in quotes?
That's because my ass is already getting attached to her.
I'd LOVE to keep her, but my mom would annihilate me if she found out.
Still... I can already feel my resolve fading,
especially since she and Patches didn't fight at all, and she's quiet and completely calm.
No barking, no nothing.
House broken and everything.
She was somebody's dog all right. The bastards just probably dumped her for some stupid reason like shedding.
Sooooo... if you know anybody who might like a dog like her, let me know.(Quick! Before I change my mind!)
She's a 1 year border collie mix. Weighs 21 pounds, spayed and vaccinated except for her rabies shot and she is heartworm negative.
Very calm and easygoing. Good with almost anybody including other dogs.
So yeah... lol just wait i'll be on here 3 days later with a WHOLE different story lol.
OMG I WANT THIS GAME!!!
"It's only fitting that a game about a god should have an awe-inspiring presentation such as this. Okami is based on the Japanese legend of the sun god, Amaterasu, whom you control throughout the game in the form of a white wolf. A truly epic journey awaits this wolf, who wields divine power quite literally as an artist wields a brush. In Okami you'll traverse a vast countryside filled with intrigue, meet a variety of interesting characters, delve into dungeons chock-full of various traps and fearsome-looking creatures, and become more and more powerful as you go. All the while, Okami's stunning good looks give it the appearance of a cross between a cartoon and a traditional Japanese ink-and-watercolor painting, and perhaps best of all, the game keeps going and going for much longer than most other games like it."
So you can draw AND fight things?!
AND you get to live in a beautifully captured watercolor world where you can be a GOD who restores life and beauty to the earth?!!
Sign me up!!
This is a very Jenny-friendly game!!!!!
Watch the trailer below- its the best i could find
(just bear with the stupid texts please, and the annoying overkill of information about her weapons, cause the ending is one of the coolest parts)
"Given the weight of water, nothing happens fast
to a mermaid, whether it's love or loss.
Not like the landlocked life, I wanted to warn her.
But here came a prince in street clothes,
trying to think thoughts that were heavy enough
to make himself sink to her level. His shirt ballooned,
a man made not into merman but to manatee.
Yet, in the small eternity it took for him
to grasp her slippery flipper, for her to find
his more awkward human ankle, and then
for them to turn, head over each other's heels —
a ring rolling away too beautifully to catch —
they lived happily ever after.
Until one of them had to stop for breath."
I keep having dreams about mermaids.
It's weird really-- dark strange tales full of people and places I cannot understand.
Stories that I've invented myself but they always have a mermaid in them.
Any ideas what that means?
And then last night I had a dream I was in this tall hotel-like building.
There were rooms and rooms inside it and it was several stories up.
As I was walking down an empty hallway I suddenly became aware that the ground was trembling beneath me,
and somehow I knew that the building was about to collapse.
So despite my terror of being crushed I started running down the hallways,
pounding on every door screaming,
"Wake up! Wake up! You have to get out! Hurry! The buildings about to collapse!!!"
And people kept filing out, rubbing their eyes and groaning.
They thought I was lying to them.
They didn't believe me.
It was like I was the only one who could feel the ground swaying--
the whole building was rocking back and forth, but nobody noticed.
So I kept running up the flights of stairs and banging on the doors,
and it seemed like everyone I knew was in that building
including my family,
So many souls inside... I was terrified it was all gonna come crashing down on them.
I managed to get most out,
but I stayed inside so long that the whole building was swaying and trembling violently
and I was sliding along the walls falling all over the place.
I made it out just as the building fell in on itself,
and I stood there in the dust and rubble looking up at the only part still standing,
thinking about all the possesions lost and people that were missing...
and then I woke up.
I never understand my dreams.
They are so varied and deep-- most I never remember.
But the ones I do haunt me in my waking.
“The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.”
“If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.”
-St. Clement of Alexandria
So I've been back at school for over a week now.
Joined into the new Class of 2013 and starting over again in my 2nd year of vet school.
I've been meaning to post about the whole experience on here for awhile now,
but every time I would try to start writing about how I felt... I would hesitate.
I don't feel as comfortable as I used to with posting my feelings on LJ anymore.
Much like Lisa (tryphanophobic34), I've gotten some comments in the past that have made me apprehensive about posting certain things for fear of being judged.
I've had to subconsciously screen myself, and I hate that.
It shouldn't have to be that way, but there it is...
if I could sum up all that I've experienced and felt in the last week into one word, it would be this--
Very very lonely my friends, here on this new terrain trying to start over.
I should have the advantage over these people, having already gone through the whole sha-bam once... but truly I don't.
Things have switched, moved, tweaked, changed...except this time my support network is gone.
They all are ages ahead of me now,
and I'm left kicking around in the wake of their dust trails, trying to find some semblance of all that I knew and remembered being.
For being someone so outgoing and normally very boisterous, I have a hard time making new friends--
especially when everyone seems to be giving me the cold shoulder these days.
But eh... I guess that's just how it is for me now.
What I deserve for the mistakes I made.
I had repented and grieved for months... but I hadn't faced the consequences of my past actions yet.
And now I have to go through it all.
I can't complain really though, seeing how lucky I was to be allowed back in at all.
I guess separateness is a small price to pay right?
Still, I can't help feeling like I have a scarlet "F" emblazoned on my chest--
A burning mark of the failure that I am for all to see.
Every time I pass groups and hear them whispering, I can't help but feel it's because of me.
and maybe it's not,
maybe I'm just hallucinating all of this.... but it sure feels harder this time around to be accepted.
I keep tentatively reaching out... but all my fingers seem to brush are walls.
Walls up and blocking me out.
And I’m trying to swallow the lump in my esophagus that is a panicked scream and keep my head down and out of trouble...but I can feel eyes on me wherever I go,
teacher and student alike,
all watching me... sizing me up...judging, expecting...
No more strikes left for the Jenny.
I've used them all.
This time if I fall out it’s for good--
no hand will reach down into the darkened well to help fish me out...
I will drown.
But still, knowing all this, I try…
I keep testing the winds, pulling my beaten sails out and steering forward,
even though there's holes and patchwork everywhere and the waters ahead seem dark and uncertain.
Still I try, because I don't know how to be any other way.
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."
You ever have one of those moments where you're doing something monotonous, like drinking milk out of the fridge or doing laundry, and you suddenly stop cold and think:
"Is this it?... Is this really my life?
Is this all there is?"
Well I just did.
And you know what?
It's extremely terrifying.
(I know, I know...it was just a fleeting feeling, and I'm fine now. But that still doesn't change how it made me feel at that time)
So I had a blast at the annual Memphis Zombie March this weekend!
A little too much fun, actually, as you can see lol.
I'm still getting all the blood off me, and my cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling so much.
It. Was. Awesome.
Megan and I went as zombie Princess Peach and zombie Princess Daisy from Super Mario Bros.
Most of the people didn't really get it-- they thought we were prom zombies or something,
but the ones who understood what we were going for made it all worthwhile.
They'd be like "Dude! That's so amazing!!"
And one girl actually said "Wow did the Mushroom Kingdom got to hell or what?!" XD