I know this is a drastic change from the demeanor of my last entry, but that was before my family left me alone....and tests and a very intense and long surgery crept up to swallow me.
I am so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm gross and dirty all the time, and I can never sleep, EVER. and so when I do FINALLY manage to shut my eyes I'm so exhausted that I can never wake up, so I find myself late and rushing and unprepared for everything.
I slept through 4 fucking alarms today. FOUR. I've started sleep-walking I guess because I managed to put my damn phone on silent, and that's hard to do even while awake.
What is happening to me???
I can't quit crying right now. I'm so panicked it's hard to breathe, and I keep gagging and throwing up what meager food remains in my stomach.
I'm sick of feeling like this: of being tired, and disgusting and ugly and useless to everything. I'm never prepared and always late. I'm going to end up failing all over again if I keep this up.
I'm gonna beg Dr. Linford to let me come to lab early today so I can go home before I completely collapse into a full fledged freak-out.
I don't wanna mess up again, but it seems no matter what I do I'm always making mistakes.