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On the road to what you want
you will face everything that you hate.
If you blink your eyes the sun is shining... 
9th-Feb-2011 09:46 am
I know this is a drastic change from the demeanor of my last entry, but that was before my family left me alone....and tests and a very intense and long surgery crept up to swallow me.

I am so overwhelmed.
I feel like I'm gross and dirty all the time, and I can never sleep, EVER.
and  so when I do FINALLY manage to shut my eyes I'm so exhausted that I can never wake up,
so I find myself late and rushing and unprepared for everything.

I slept through 4 fucking alarms today. FOUR. I've started sleep-walking I guess because I managed to put my damn phone on silent, and that's hard to do even while awake.

What is happening to me???

I can't quit crying right now. I'm so panicked it's hard to breathe, and I keep gagging and throwing up what meager food remains in my stomach.

I'm sick of feeling like this: of being tired, and disgusting and ugly and useless to everything. I'm never prepared and always  late. I'm going to end up failing all over again if I keep this up.

I'm gonna beg Dr. Linford to let me come to lab early today so I can go home before I completely collapse into a full fledged freak-out.

I don't wanna mess up again, but it seems no matter what I do I'm always making mistakes.

God...what am I gonna do?
9th-Feb-2011 05:56 pm (UTC)
you and i need a mental vacation
we both have the same disease and that is disappointment, self doubt, and worry with a capital W

i tried to sit in my meditation corner yesterday but the green side fell down and that just made me cry all the more

it seems like any kind of peace we try to give one another doesn't work because we are going to go back to the place where all of the trouble is - like a drug addict getting the itch when they return from "help", you and i are healthy and happy when the other is around but the minute they are gone we get that painful feeling again

at least i do, im not sure about you
all i know is that i am sitting here so much on autopilot and its gotten so bad that i feel like if i could just a magic pill to help me then i could swallow it in a second
if that meant killing a part of myself just so i could function and get things done then i would lay part of my personality on the chopping block

what is wrong with me?
what is wrong with us?

i love you friend
text or call when you can
i wanna know how you are doing
10th-Feb-2011 05:24 am (UTC)
You're going to make it through.
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