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On the road to what you want
you will face everything that you hate.
This Is the time we're upon. 
8th-Dec-2010 07:40 pm

So today during the thick of my finals, I get a text from a friend that says "SAMS grades are up".

For those you who don't remember, SAMS aka "Small Animal Medicine and Surgery" was the class that caused me to fail out of vet school last winter. The reason why I had to appeal to get back in.

This year, despite my intense efforts to not let this class get the better of me, I still found myself struggling with all the test material.

It seemed no matter what I did or how hard I studied, each test I would still make about the same score that I had last year. It was obvious that I was shadowing my previous steps and I feared another failure on the horizon.

So when the FINAL approached- 200 points and 100 questions worth of pure terror- it’s no surprise that I was more than a little bit afraid of it.

But I was determined to do better this time around.

I’ve spent the past two months preparing for this test every chance I could get. I spent more than 3 days near the end holed up in my apartment poring over every detail of cardiology and respiratory disorders, as well as revisiting all the old material from the previous tests (the final is sadly, always cumulative @.@)

When this past Monday (test day) rolled around, I walked in there feeling more confident and sure than I ever had before. I felt sure that I could make what I needed to pass the course.

However, after I left the test I was crying.

It was like it didn’t even matter that I had studied. Everything that I could remember wasn’t even on there, and what was I kept getting twisted all around. I knew in my heart that there was NO way I had passed that test.

I left with shallow breaths and a tightened chest. It was such a terrible and despairing feeling.

For these past two days I have been agonizing over that grade, waiting for the inevitable blow to come. Finally today, I was going to get my answer.

So back to the first moment. She sends me this text message, and immediately a heat shoots up my spine. I start getting nauseated and my heart starts pounding in my chest. I get a metallic taste in my mouth, much like I do when I pass out, so I run to the bathroom and start gagging in the toilet. Just the sheer thought of having to look at my grade has sent me into this panic attack. I’m staring at my reflection in the mirror, trying not to cry and throw up at the same time, but I just can’t stop shaking.

I’ve never felt like that before—that complete loss of reason and control. It was terrifying. I kept mumbling to myself over and over “I can’t do this… can’t take this… but I have to…HAVE to do it”. I probably looked like a crazy person.

FINALLY (God it seemed so long) I forced myself to stand up and look at my computer screen. I waited those long agonizing moments as the screen downloaded to show me my score.

I had passed.

And I was like a wave crashed down on me all at once. I started sobbing like a small child. I just couldn’t quit crying. It was like everything I had been holding in from this past year came surging out. All the fear, and shame, and self-loathing... it just rushed out of me.

I sat there on my couch, keening, not knowing if it was from relief or sorrow or happiness. Such a strange feeling.

But I passed that pivotal course. And now I only have two more to go. So… back to studying!! *facepalm* it never ends lol.

But yeah… Just thought I’d share with you all.

Good night everyone. Hope you too are finding good news about you.

9th-Dec-2010 05:27 am (UTC)
This post scared the bejeezus out of me
There was a moment when you texted me that I thought "holy shit something horrible happened"
But then when I got on and saw the prelude (I was a good girl and didnt pull a Jenny and skip to the end) it was building and building and goind backwards and forwards in the post saying how worried and scared and frightened you were to see the grades
And it had me reeling and holding my hands up to my lips in worry
But as I approached the bottom I realized that you were telling a story
A long one, and that if you had indeed failed then you would have just put up a defeated "I failed" but you were setting us all up to see how much the worry was lifted!
So I realized even before reading the words "I had passed" that you had passed
It's like finding out the ending to a book or a movie before you see it
So I win!
And you definitely win!
And my heart can calm itself
And my eyes can get misty with joy
And relief can wash over me
You GOT this
So you can do anything!
You beat the beast that took everything from you the first time
And now all of the lesser bosses (like in a video game) can just suck it!
I love you and will call you bothering you sometime tomorrow ^0^
12th-Dec-2010 07:53 pm (UTC)
Yay! Congrats, Jenny!
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